Lest I Forget The Happythingamajigies..

I have been feeling really down lately. Things have gotten really busy and I feel like I am going under. The tough thing about being a psychologist is that you know whats going wrong in your life emotionally and what to do about it. Its tough because, at the end of the day, you are just human too. Vulnerable and fucked up in your own way, you need another to help you.

The thing about feeling overwelmed is that you feel like people want things from you all the time. And somehow you are always dissapointing them. Its so hard to keep your focus on the positive things. It really is a challenge. A challenge that I often dont have the energy to partake in.

My thoughts of wanting to die take many creative forms. FIrst is the random thoughs of jumping off of buildings and cliffs. I often think about how I may miss the beautiful view while i jump off a cliff, only looking down, trying to spot the pile of rocks that I will share my last moments of life with.

The thing with depression is that you feel so alone. Even though there is a part of you that wants to reach out and seek help, it just often feels like it just ownt be worth it. The emminent dissapointment, flashes like a big red siren. Warning you of the dangers ahead.

I do realise that I am describing my relationship with my parents. THis afternoon i felt like asking my father to call me at uni. So I could hear his voice, and hope that somehow he would understand how i feel, and not give me advice on my health, or diet. If he could only listen to what i was saying, try to understand what was really wrong, and not diagnose me and give me a prescription for yoga, dry fruits and herbal oils.

Creative thoughts about dying 2: The documentary/film. I try and imagine that when i die, someone will find this blog and read about how i was feeling and thinking before I killed myself. I will be feel validated from beyond the grave. Perhaps I could ahve some chick with big boobs communicate with me when im a ghost and tell my parents about what I needed from them. No I just made that ghost whisperer thing up. I dont really think that. I usually imagine like a documentary about "the psychologist that suddenly killed himself". Or something along those lines. What went wrong? he was such a happy, funny and nice guy? Did he struggle with his sexaulity? Was it just the stress of being a psychologist? Maybe they need to rethink how they train medical professionals. Maybe they need to put more emphasis on self-care in the courses?

I dont know if its the lazy part of me that wants to make a difference with a minimal amount of effort. But I guess being dead is about as lazy as you can get. Dead =  lazy is the logic of depression. The black glasses are difficult to see through, and even harder to take off.

There is this certain sense of redemption that coems with death. Espicially with people who die young. In the prime of their life. They are somehow requited of all their mistakes and inadequacies. There is also this fantasy about people actually appreciating them in their absense. I dream about people who are close to me feeling devastated. My parents, in pieces, tangled in a web of sadness, anger and guilt. I dont want to put my parents through that, but somehow I feel this sense of redemption. This sense of finally being connected to them. Finally having them care enough, and yet somehow punishing them for not being good pareents and providing me with the uspport I really needed.

That rant about my parents being inadequate is bullshit, of course. My parents arent perfect but they have supported me in more ways than a lot of other kids. They have treated me well and been fair with me always. Letting me go was the hardest thing for them, but they have come to make peace with it. It leaves a gapinig holein their lives, but they do it for me. They do it because they believe in me. And they believ ein the decisions I make in my life. And I do love them for it. And I miss them a lot.

I suppose what gets me really depressed is that I dont quite feel validated about the effort and time that I put into the things in my life. My parents dont understand how hard itt is for me. My friends, the few that I have maanged to still keep, dont either. I dont really share my problems with a lot of people. And with the trusted few with whom I do share it with, I feel as though somehow they are not interested. That they ahve their own problems and worries.

I do need to start seeing a psycholgoist again. And then there is the dream of having a stroke...unpreditable...unforeseen..blameless and quick.

Everyday. Everyday I seem to be falling a little more in love with her. And everyday. Each moment I am with her. I try to find things that I dislike about her. Things that might convince me that I deserve better than her. Or that she isnt in my league at all. Or that she isnt attracted to me at all. And that it somehow it wouldnt work and just leave me unhappy. But when Im with her Im lost in her smiles. Caught up in her contagious childish energy. When I am around her I am jealous. But not jealous enough to complete ignore her and disqualify her as a potential partner.

Thoughts of inadequacy. Thoughts of how perhaps she may reall deserve better. I think of alienating her from my life. I think about how easy that would be. About how I ahve done it with other people in my life. I think about the other girls I could have present in my life.

I cringe when she talks about her boyfriend. I cant bare to look when she touches other guys. I cant control the jealousy i feel when I have to share my time with her with someone else.

Winds of change will soon blow over these solitary fields. Leaving behind the lonely silence of dissapointment.

Will I think of her less if I spent less time with her. Do I really want to think of her less? Is she the only respite I feel from the loneliness that pervades my life.

What if I were to just be absent. A little more unavailable. Not be taken for granted.

Its not going to work. Its just never going to eventuate. I will keep going till its unbearable. i will keep going till we are just not colleagues anymore.

Ok so I wanted to write a blog entry where i could be candid and completely honest about how i feel. The thing is, I have another blog that I usually write in. Unfortunetly too many people now access that blog and so im left only to the pricacy of my vox blog.

For some reason, the loneliness I feel in my life has become more severe of late. I have bouts of feeling like this. Feeling like my days are all part of a endless, monotonous, ikea-assembled factory line of boring shelves. Monotony. Propped up by anxiety, and hollow, no meaning and no reason to live. Yes, I want to die. No its not a emo thing and its not like I sit around moaning and not do anything to to help myself. On the contrary my life is busy and I can hardly stop to think about anything else.

My life is my work. Uni, placement, research. Thats it. And they say it will probably be like this for the enxt couple of years, but I cant really see it improving. Everytime i look at the other people in my ife, my friends if you will, I think of what they go home to. People who love them. People who make them feel special and loved. People who they go to resturants with and go to bed at night cuddled up next to. I see people who go home and drive over to their partners place to be intimate and have sex. To spend dark nights, warm, tangled up in each other, thankful for what life has given them. Love.Love to give. And to receive. Real happiness.

I suppose the answer to my problem isnt really that hard. Why cant I just get out, make friends, ask a few girls out and start a relationship. Get a girlfriend. Have sex. Its as simple as that I suppose. But for some reason it isnt.

There is something to be said about being socially isolated. Sometimes poeple, like myself, push people away and out of their lives. Sometimes even when they are so emsehed in their lives, they distance themselves emotionally. It is perhaps my way of seeking autonomy and independance.

But underlying all that is this belief that I cant really ever be loved. That Im just not good enoug. That if you look close enough you willl see the cracks. the flaws and the million reasons why im not worthy.

It makes me angry that I think like this. That I hold these beleifs. sometimes in my mind I picture my friends from school tellng me im no good and that I can never have a gf. It makes me so angry and worked up that sometimes I wish I would really do something.

There are times, just like in everyones life, where I want to just die. Dissapear.When I cant take this loneliness anymore. When this world is just too unresponsive to support my existence. My psychological needs. I dont know how much more of this alone I can take. I really dont know.

Lurking around corners, this dark shadow, I am never quite myself.

Anxiety bearable, more painful when its bearable.

This rumination, social suicide, contemplating, always more than a 8 out of 10.

This suggestion of depression too threatening, profesisonally threatening, this is my life now.

Suggestions of social incompetence. Suggestions of being depressed.

Weak and tired and so much still left to be done.

Drunk enough but drunk enough to completely forget.

Avoiding this world. Avoidance to worry about.

This headache. These thoughts. This world that is a little less friendly.

Little less amusing. A little less simple.

Mixed signals leave me with no one to trust.

Is it a laziness. Is it a difference I have to come to accept.

Accept but not resent. neither agree or disagree they say.

The thing line of acceptance and resignation.

In these dark shadows lies a secret.

In alley ways and street corners there are secrets.

Clue to decipher your place in the world, the silent signals and hidden messages.

What are they saying about me? what are they thinking?

Can they see through this act? Or am i a good enough actor?

This fake, this phony, this no good useless piece of nothing.

Can they see right through me? Have they found me out.

Shadows be my mask, these lies be my skin, I dont know if this world can support,

Me just being myself.

If you had one month to live, what five things would you do?
Suggested by Acerebel.

1. Laugh a lot more.

2. Try some illicit drugs.

3. Do a around-the-world trip.

4. Have more sex.

5. Eat a lot more of the things I like.

.

One of the reasons i wanted to keep this blog anonymous was for me to get back to writting about things that I didnt normally want other people knowing about me. Its not a secretive thing. I think some things are just personal.

I guess I kind of want to write about love, and loneliness. Growing up a lot was made of love. We always sat around discussed people being in loveless marriages. Loveless arranged marriages. It kinda made sense to me at one level cause my parents eloped and got married. I think those were the first seeds into seeing that whole system of things as being flawed.

I remember seeing pictures of my parents on their honeymoon. It was just funny looking at them. My father seemed like such a different person. Hopeful might be a good word for it. He was thinner, sitting on a park bench, with a smoke in his hand, he almost seemed arrogant. There werent really any pics of my parents kissing or even hugging. I guess intimacy was a bit alien to me. As a family we never touched in a intimate way. I mean, I dont know how to say it. My father gave me a lot of hugs and cuddles, and so did my mum i guess, but it just didnt feel like we touched. Emotionally, there was something missing there. I cant explain it.

I have this endency of falling in love very quickly. Love is such a powerful thing for me. INtimacy is really comforting. I suppose it is for everybody. Touch. Taste. That soft place to land.

I often think about love usually after Ive watched a movie I really like. Like Garden State. Or Eternal SUnshine. Or When Harry met sally. I think about that feeling about opening up. I think about love. To ahve someone accept you for who you are. To see you as special, when you couldnt see yourself as special.

Following my break up, in a lot of ways I feel like Ive closed up. Protecting myself, I think I needed to find that balance. I am more guarded now, and in a lot of ways im not. I feel like ai have nothing to hide, but somehow fear that that might make me a uninteresting person, or a easy target. Maybe. But I dont know any other way to be.

Touch is such a powerful thing. It actually kinda facinates me. Sometimes I wonder if its more powerful than libido in terms of its evolutionary value. I suppose you would want to protect yourself from hyperthermia before you wanted to procreate.

Often I just find myself craving that need for touch. Im not really a touchy feely person. If anything, it makes me uncomfortable. I dont know, I suppose its such a person thing. To let someone touch you. And I guess with the low self-esteem, you didnt really want people wanting to get close and see what you are really like.

Ive come sme way in terms of that though I think. I defeintetly feel a bit better about the way I look and feel.  I sometimes worry that if I feel too comfortable in my skin, I might not do anything else about improving things in my life. And in a lot of ways thats whats been kept me going all this time.

Anyway, we ere tlaking about love and loneliness. I find myself worrying a lot less about finding someone. I know what it feels like. I know how good it feels. I know how alive you feel. I know how it gives you all this life energy. To do all these things.

I do miss the sex. I guess its a particularly comforting and wonderful thing to make love to someone you love very much. When sex is making love I guess. I miss that. Miss that a lot.

There is so much of me that wants that again, but so much of me that just wants it back only if its the real thing. That love, only once more, open myself up, only once more. There is only so much hurt I think I can take. Emotionally, I dont think of myself as being aprticuarly resilient to let myself open up fully to someone more thana couple of times in my life.

I hate these posts where i just ramble on. I dont know why, but I just seem to talk myself into circles. Its like i write about things to avoid doing anything about them.

The thing with love is though, I seem to have a few problems. Well, for one thing, I feel like i will probably never open up fully again to anyone. But thats going to leave me alone. But then I think about whats wrong in being alone. NOt much really, I suppose.

The oter problem is me just not thinking anyone would be interested in me. Well now its more like I dont know if anyone is interested.

Im so sick of writing bout this. I jsut want to get on with life. and if the right person comes along, well thats great. BUt being alone is probably not going to kill me. I am probably happier being alone than if i am with someone I dont really like.Sometimes it sucks that I dont have anyone to touch and go to sleep with, but its not all bad. Life, is not that bad. I just need to take care of myself.

Need to stop writing now. Bye

Sometimes. And only sometimes, thank god. I have a bad day. A really really, bad day.

And what happens on a bad day you may ask. A bad day for a 23 year old goes something like this...

You wake up in the morning and realise that you body is refusing to move. Thats right, your awake but your body is still as asleep. Now Ive had this happen to me before. When Im kinda awake, but my body is paralyzed. Anyway, my point is, that this only happens when IM really tired and ahvent had enough sleep. So yea, that me waking up.

Get up and your feeling kinda sick. That food from that asian place you ate at last night seems to have left you feeling dodgy. Dodgy food makes you feel dodgy. Well now how about that.

BUt you keep moving on with your day. Look on the bright side. Keep trudging on. And then you get to uni. And things are going pretty well upto now.

And then you meet with your supervisor. And she has some great bit of feedback on your performance. Hmm..not. Its horrible. You get grilled and you feel like shit.

Not so fast champ. This is a really really bad day remember? SO as your supervisor is giving you your feedback, you start to feel the asian food from last night come up. YOu run out of the room and spew your guts out.

COme back and she asks you if you were anxious. And then, because you have no self-esteem, you start to doubt yourself. Was I anxious then? Of course not, you think. But then you reconsider. Maybe it was a combination. Maybe the anxiety and the food lead to me spewing. Oh and your doing your thinking out loud. And your supervisor is listening. And your mate from uni. Great.

So feeling ill and feeling like crap about yourself, you trudge up to your room. Your parents are online. Your father decides to ring you to talk to you about things.

And this is where things get good right? Well, no, you would be wrong about that. So he rings you and asks you how you are. Instead of treating  'how are you' as some what of a rhetorical question as you usually do, you decide that this is probably a good time to pour your heart out to your dad about how you are really feeling.

And now your crying. And for a guy, crying is not helpful. Crying to your father, particularly not helpful. ANd so with his limiting soothing skills he tells you that perhaps you are feeling depressed because I am feeling....wait for it...'hormonal'. Have I mentioned that you are a guy yet?

ANd so you end up feeling worse. And your father starts to feel more obliged to console you. And then he says that perhaps its because your lonely. Perhaps your loneliness is eating you up. Grinding away at you. That you need to find a girlfriend. Need to find a wife.

Your day, now, has reached a all time low. Or so you think. Your crying. Your sick. And you ahve a father telling you you might be depressed. He then goes on to give you religious adivce. He emails you two verses of scripture that he wants you to recite everyday. He thinks its time I let god into my life.

So you hang up and remember that the uncommunicative family dynamic you ahve in your life is there for a purpose. You keep moving on with your day. You cant go home yet cause you ahve a meeting with another supervisor for this job you are doing.

So you go to meet you other supervisor. Things are going ok, until, she gives you a compliment. Now, normally this is not a bad thing. But a compliment is hard to digest when you are having a particuarly shit day. It almost feels like its coming out fo left field. ANd so, you start to get a bit teary. And, of course, she notices it. And asks you about it.

But you tell her, that you ahve been sick. She doesnt buy it but she lets it go. You leave the room wondering if she still thinks you are competent for the job.

And then you pack up your things to come home. You had two other things planned for the day but you have had enough. You come home feeling particuarly flat. SUmmon up all your energy to ahve a shower. Get into bed at 8 pm. Have icecream and fruitcake for dinner and get on the internet.

Now that, right there, ladies and gentleman, is a shit day. If you can top that one, or can feel my pain, leave me a comment.

TIme for more ice cream and fruit cake.

Before I start this weeks entry, I just want to say something about how Ive been feeling. I feel good. Its been a eally big weekend. I had to go down to the coast both on friday and saturday. Aand yeah I feel tired. More tired yesterdya perhaps. BUt I feel alright. Ive thought of wanting to go out. Occationally I felt a little down stuck at home and not being able to go out. But I feel ok. I am a smart and fairly good looking guy. I should feel confident in myself. I dont ahve to impress anyone. I can feel self-assured. QUietly confident. I think that will find a comprimise between my culture and feeling ok inside with myself.

And Im starting to be more ok with the bad parts of my life. Well, its not bad. Its just things im not completely happy about. Things that I would like, but dont have now. My body. My man-boobs. Being able to walk on the beach without my shirt on. And not feel self-conscious. BUt its ok. Maybe if i keep exercising I can be able to do that one day. ITs a work in progress. If I had everything I want right now, whats the point of living life. Nobody is perfectly happy with how they look. And its only a work in progress.

IN terms of my social life, well yes, I dont exactly ave the most active social life. ITs because all ym firneds are back home in india. And I ahve few friends. Few good friends. And i dont get to go out drinking much. BUt thats ok. I am, now, ok with that. I ahve other things that I do that I enjoy. LIke my screenwriting. Drawing. Playing sport.Reading. Trying to do comedy. I would like to have a more active social life (actually im not sure about how much more social i want my social life to be) but IM not unhappy now. I ahve things to do, and hobbies that I enjoy.

In terms of feeling lonely and not ahving a girlfirend. Well, Im hopeful, and not unhappy. There are issues there as to why im so shy, but Im getting that looked at. And like the body and social thing, I would like a girlfriend. Like a lot of other guys. BUt I dont have one and well thats ok. I dont ahve to constantly keep dwelling on it. I am open and hopeful. I dont think im not deserving of having someone to love. No one has come along. And when someone does, well that would be nice. But right now, the world is not going to end because i dont have someone to share my life with. Im a great guy, and who ever I share my life with, will be special.

Ok lets get into it. Ive had a good week with everything. so really quick update.

Art: Havent been able to draw this week. But will get into it next week. Need to practice drawing noses and mouths. Need to watch the videos for that. Might get into that next week.

Sport: Some exciting news here. I have called the Beach Volleyball place in nathan. They have a coaching session on thursday evening. I am feeling a bit nervous about going to it. Its at 6:30. What if they are all little kids. Well I will be the oldest one there. I guess there is only one way to learn. BUt yea, good news. And im going to go on Thursday night to check it out and see how i go...yay!

Reading: I read this book last week about Emotional Competency. It was really really interesting.

The Development of Emotional Competence (Guilford Series on Social & Emotional Development)

I have to read more to see what exactly im interested in. There are all these emotional skills. I want to pick out one of them and pursue it. I need to write about this one day as well. To see what IM really interested. What is personally meaningful for me. I think its somehting about emotional self-efficacy perhaps. Basically, CBT seems to change behaviour and thoughts to change emotions. ANd so you become more aware of your thoughts and behaviours. And being aware of thoughts and behaviours, reduces counterproductive beaviours. In the same way, by building up awareness of emotions, you can hope to better regulate ones emotions. within a CBT framework, it will be to provide the client with an understanding of their changing emotions, rather than it being a helpless component of their life, at the mercy of their thoughts and behaviours. I think this is important because changing thoughts and behaviours is effortful. I guess im refering to being emotionally competent. Being aware, being able to regulate (via thoughts and behaviours) and feeling like you are in control of your emotions.

I need more clarity of thought with it. I just feel like there should be a emotional component to therapy. Assess thoughts. Assess behaviours. BUt assess emotions as well. See where they are at. Are they emotionally aware? How good are they with regulating emotions? Is changing thoughts and behaviours enough? What if the behaviours and thoughts are too ingrained? What if changing thoughts and behaviours is not enough? Like with borderline personality disorders. But I feel like it could be for everyone. Each of us have personality traits, some stronger than others.

Is thoughts and behaviours enough? Why not have emotions in there as well? Wont that make more a stronger treatment? Doesnt it empower the client more? To know that they are in control of their emotions. Emotional Awareness. Emotion Regulation. Emotion Self-efficacy. As I started, I think that emotional self-efficacy is what im interested in. If emotional competence can happen through just changing thoughts and behaviours, then thats cool. EMotional self-education if you will. But if not, then there needs to be a course of therapy that can help people chart a map of their emotions. Emotional Awareness.

I guess Im somewhere between emotional awareness and emotional self-efficacy (which i imagine will include emotional regulation). A map of their emotions. So they can navigate through life, recognizing the purpose of the emotions (signals for thigns that need to be done), and being able to take another road to a happier place( and be able to look back at the emotion positively, thankful for the signal)....being able to navigate to a better place, from having recognized the sign. And being able to tolerate the emotion. Awareness of emotion, tolerate emotion (distress tolerance) and transform emotion.

I seem to keep coming abck to the DBT things. HOw can I modify and use and incorporate these priciples with everyday clients and how do I know when they will be required to be used.I guess this has already been done. In terms of using DBT for depression and anxiety etc. Maybe thats somoeting I should read next.How DBT has been mofied for depression. hmm...depression, emotion and the self. Depression and emotional self-efficacy. If there is a strong sense of self, then the emotional self-education will be easier to do. BUt if the self is weak (maybe a symptom of disrupted emotional development), the emotional competence is a required part of therapy. An assessment of self and the use of the modified DBT for the depression.

Wow. that was a good leap. So the things to read up on are the modfied DBT for depression and anxiety to see what they say. Read more on the 'self'  and the links to social and emotional development. And why the modified DBT will make for more resilient, and less relapsing symptoms of depression. This might be important for people with personality disorder. yes. Awesome. sounds good. Need to read up on links of the development of the self in relation to personality disorders.

Ok back to the list.art, spot, readings..what else

Issues and therapy: I called UQ clinic on friday, and the answering machine came up twice. I will call them again next week. Ive been thinking about this a lot. I had a sinking feeling just before i called. BUt Im looking forward to seeing someone.

Screenplay: Aw, havent been able to do much. Might do something tonight. Still working on the treatment. This is starting to be harder than I thought. I keep losing sight of trying to write a really bad movie. Really struggling. But I think if I had a good treatment, then it would make for a good screenplay. Another movie I watched during the week that I like, is When Harry Met Sally..

when harry met sally

I love the dysfunctional couple. I love that they are so dysfunctional yet so normal. I guess thats the thing of charecters. People love that they are flawed, but its the things that we share that makes them human. The emotions and emotional needs and wants. Thats what people an relate to. Love. Thats what makes them real. HUman.I suppose if they are flawed in a way that in touch with reality (if they are REAL people, not just one dimensional comic charecters) we realte to them more to start. And then, the emotions can kick in...And so what are the emotions link to love? MIght be itneresting to research that...and then navigate through those in the story...is love more than just a series of emotions...what is it about recovering from a break-up? Emotionally, what happens? Why does it feel so bad? What happens to our emotions when we are in a relationship? Why is there such a big void when they break-up? Grief. Love and Loss. Can we have one without the other. When two people come into a relationship, they are not accepting of the relationship to end. OPen to both the happy and sad things about a relationship. Its hard to reach that place before being in a relationship is black and white: You are either in a relationship or your not. People would like their relationship to be better, but when they are not doing anything about it, they get even more depressed and unhappy. Or people do do somehting about it: thye have an affair with someone else. They are empowered in this position. Empowered emotionally.

Feeling emotionally empowered. Wanting to feel emotionally empowered. Joel doesnt want to keep feeling sad, which is why he erases his memory.But like having an affair it is misguided. And so ensues the misadventure.Large is so emotionally regulated, they he cant feel anymore. HIs way of empowering himself is by stopping to take his medication. Once he can feel again, he feels alive. I guess Joel and Large are at two ends of the spectrum. And we're all trying to find that good middle. And to be in the middle, is to be more accepting of both the good and the bad. Most love stories start with the guys as being fairly funcitonal. BUt they dont make for interesting charecters. A lot of the time the woman is trying to be over-regulated, but in line with the stereotype of being emotional, they are usually found to be more likely to be responsive to falling in love. Stereotyped and cliched.

A real love story is one about two flawed charecters. Two emotionally flawed charecters that come together, see things dont work out and then be more accepting of the sadness and happiness in their relationship. Why was Harry so damn horrified when he slept with sally. Well, because he didnt associate sex with love. hmm...he did with his wife though didnt he? Well...maybe he didnt. Maybe thats why she left. Harry learnt to love. TO be with soemone out of real love, and not out of need. He didnt get with Sally cause he wanted to stop dating. He couldnt stop thinking about her. He realised they had shared all these times together. That he liked her as a person. That he had been accepting of her faults. That he had come to terms with the good things and bad things about their relationship. And he came to terms with it because they werent romantically involved. I guess when Harry says men and women cant be friends, what he is really saying is that men and women can be accepting of the good and bad qualities of each other, without being in the context of being emotionally dependant on each other. I dont even think it was a emotional thing that Harry was talking about.

emotional Dependency. Love and emoional dependency. WHen there isnt a strong self, then love beomes emotional dependency. I need you to complete me. I am emotionally weak and need your strength to stand up. But if i had a strong sense of self, if i can recognize, tolerate and regulate my emotions, then I will be in a lace where I dont need you to provide for me emotionally all the time.If i am more accepting and tolerant of my negative qualities, I will be more accepting and tolerant of your partners.

Emotional empowerment and emotional acceptance. we are who we are. We cannot be completely different, however har we try. Acceptance and commitment. When commitment is misplaced, then problems and adventures ensue. Garden state is about acceptance. eternal Sushine is about empowerment and commitment. Harry and Sally, in a way, is about both. JUst like any realtionship. Any successful relationship I suppose.

But I think thats what it is. I think people who have a good sense of self enjoy the emotional ride. And people who have that under developed sense of self, can really relate to the mishaps of the emotional empowerment and lack of emotional acceptance.And I guess we cna all relate to the experience of making bad decisions wiht trying to be emotionally empowered. Be it from trying to kill ourselves to cheating on a partner. Emotional self-efficacy.

My Joel is trying to gain control over his emotions of estrangement and sadness by taking his family on a roadtrip. Hi way of moving from the numbness end of the emotion continuum is to stop taking the medication. His way of moving from the pain and hurtful end of the continuum is by trying to reconnect with his family...or could he do something else.....something more imaginative...buy back time perhaps?...something to do with time travel...or his mind..can get creative with it..........

Ok i think thats a big enough entry...think i covered all the topics..havent done anything about comedy..maybe thats something i can work on for next week. But exciting week ahead. Should be interesting to see the results.

ciao

Want to get something done on the screenplay. Seriously lacking motivation...or is it inspiration..hmm what to do now...

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind : Ending (extended)

Hmm...thats better...so where were was i....

Act One: Joel wants to reconnect with his family after having been realised from zombie rehab.

Act Two: Joel's plans of connecting with his family on a roadtrip is disrupted when (a) zombies on parole become sex-crazed as their curing drug increases their libido to disasterous levels and (b) government start to hunt down people who have taken the drug (zombie or not).

Act Three: Joel protects his family. Doesnt manage to get back with his wife, but is closer and no longer estranged from his son.

So Ive been looking up articles on the internet on how to write a treatment. For some strange reason Im actually kinda excited about doing this. Well, maybe not so strange. Its  kinda like ahving your first client I suppose. Well maybe thats not the best example. There is less riding on thsi one. BUt maybe a good analogy is like doing art. Finishing it and looking at the final product.

Ok so enough introspection. Now. Ive been looking at treatment writing examples on this website...

http://www.stormforcepictures.com/writingascript-treatment.php

Now they offer some examples of certain treatments. 3 types actually. I like the more structured one, but eventually Id like to write the one like Sinbad (third type) thats got prose and structure.

The heading on the treatment is the concept. Here is what they have for Sinbad

"Sinbad is a screwball romantic comedy in the tradition of 'It Happened One night'' and Sullivan's Travels'. A somewhat repressed man and a free-spirited woman, each with their own separate desires, must work together (despite their initial animosity) to achieve their goals. In the course of their adventures, they change,bringing out the best in each other, and fall in love."

Reading this it just hit me all of sudden. Almost every romantic comedy that I enjoy is a spin-off on this theme. Repressed man and free-spirited girl (garden state, eternal sunshine, pride and prejudice, there's something about mary) or repressed woman and free spirited man (When Harry met Sally..and a few others..but i cant remember now).

BUt whats been the new trend is that the relationship usually ends..and then they somehow try to salvage this loss. The emphasis is on the loss. Everyone knows how people fall in love. We're a generation brainwashed by the easy joys of love. Its the pain of loss thats harder to make sense of and find meaning in. eternal sunshine is like the absolute perfect example of this. Garden state too. The falling in love is not dramatised. In a sense all of garden state is like a count-down to them leaving each other. The anti-thesis of a love story. And still manage to find some salvation.

How do these movies do it? Well they kinda leave it open ended. The 'forever, ever after' is not forced down our throats. Take what you will. And usually you will pick the hopeful future for them. But it doesnt really matter. Your left feeling bitter-sweet. Thats what i want.

So Ive been thinking about what I want for Joel. Joel and his wife. Falling back in love? I dont even know how that works. I should probably watch the 'Painted Veil'. A lot of Brainiac (yes, Ive changed the title) is a story about redemption. should look up the story for the painted veil. Hmm just read it...sounds interesting..sounds a lot like what Joel is doing...

Well essentially taking his family on this roadtrip knowing that by not taking the medication is risking skipping back to becoming a zombie and eating them. But he races to save his family by protecting them from the zombies.

THe more I write about my story, the bigger the holes in it seem. How Joel equiped to save his family other than not having taking the libido-increasing drug? Hmm I dont know. He isnt a doctor specialising infectious diseases. BUt then what was Joel? What makes him special enough to save Clementine from being erzed form his memory? Well, he had the expertise then because he is running inside his head. He knows where to hide. And knows where to hide those secret bits of informaiton that will bring them together ('Meet me in Montauk')

Hmm...Im starting to wonder if I really want to write a story about zombies. But Im also scared of making a movie too much like Eternal Sunshine. Should I just go with who cares? Or should I just keep pressing till I come up with soemthing more original.

THis afternoon I was reading about this idea called the 'high concept'. Now not all movies need to ahve a high concept. But there is probably a better chance of this getting made if there is an high concept to it.

But what is a high concept?

High concept, in film, is a term typically used to refer to the style and mode of production developed by Hollywood studios in the late 1970s. The term has also been claimed to originate from the marketing and management work of media executives Barry Diller and Michael Eisner at the ABC network in the 1960s. Steven Spielberg's Jaws (1975) and George Lucas' Star Wars (1977) are commonly referred to as the first high concept movies. However, some argue that some blockbusters from the past, such as Casablanca and Citizen Kane, were high concept movies in that they explored broad themes with a universal appeal (1950's D.O.A. for instance)

Ok so I dont really want to make a high concept movie. But I want a high concept idea. For one thing I think Ive cracked down on a genre. Its the romantic comedy. You can call Garden State and Eternal sunshine a romantic comedy, then yes. But I think about Charlie Kaufman tlaking about the idea for Eternal Sunshine. He described Michel Gondry and coming to him with this idea for a movie. About how a friend of his would send these little cards to people in the mail, with things like 'Lauren has erased you form her memory' or something like that. And then they just went with that. What if you could erase someone from your mind. What if it was someone you loved. Are we just so easy to manuplate. Have we finally gotten a grip on these emotions?

I guess the basic premise was, or high conept if you will, is what if you could erase someone from your memory?With being John Malkovich it was, What if you could enter someone's head? What if you could see what they saw? What if you could become them?

I guess if you had a high concept then you could fit a romantic comedy structure around it. Something that focused on both love and loss.

So lets brain storm a high concept. With Brianiac I suppose one of the high concepts was that of the drugs. What if you had a drug that could bring a cure to problems like alcoholism. I dont know enough about alcoholism so I made them be zombies. What if thee were a drug that could stop you from wanting to eat other people's brains. What if it could bring you back from being the undead to a normal funcitoning human being.

Or more interesting perhaps, is what if there was a drug that could make you become who-ever it is you want to be. Viagra makes you a legend in the bed. If you ahve been impotent andhaving problems with erections, this is everything that you want. Its the wonder drug. And these days there is plastic surgery. You can look whoever it is you want to look like. Its that sense of entitlement. That neurosis of not having to comprimise.

But essentially its nothing new. Its just overcompensation for that feeling of being worthless or defective. Smart people deal with that by becoming very successful. Guys deal with that by having sex with as many women as they can. And self-conscious women deal with that by dieting, exercising and getting plastic surgery.

And thats what im really interested in. That sense of defectiveness. Joel feels defective for being a zombie. But instead of surrendering to the condition, he overcompensates. He refuses to take the drugs, refusing, in a way, to come to terms with the fact that he is indeed, a zombie.

But what does it mean to take the drugs? Well they essentially surrender to the condition of being a zombie. But by taking more than the prescribed dose of the drug, these people are overcompensating. Essentially, if they took more of the drug, the more 'normal' and comeptent they will become. WIth Dwight and Meredith, they have regained their libido, with it that sense of entitlement. They can be who they want, and be good at it. All thanks to the drug.

But of course this comes with its downside: the side-effects.  Just like all overcompensators with side effects. The girl with plastic surgery still has low self-esteem. Except now its even more of a problem cause she has got what she wants and she is still unhappy. So its more of a effect that never dissapeared, than a side effect. Except this time, its got a new manifestation. Be it with her problems with her new more attracted emotionally unavailable older rich man. God im cynical...

But thats what I want with the zombies. Though it reduces their craving for brains, it doesnt necessarily eliminate their tendecy to act on their more baser, primitive desires. Before it was killing people, but now its having more sex. MOre likely to act on their baser urges of having sex.

I realise that this isnt really the same argument. Plastic surgery is a cosmetic, external fix to a more inner problem. A sense of defectiveness.Is it this sense of defectiveness that drives people to kill others and eat their brains? does this defectiveness push people to act on their more baser instincts? Well it could be that they are so repressed that they someone release this shame and give it a form through this form of indulgence.

I suppose this could explain why Joel may have been lead to this. Being the repressed uptight smart guy that he is. What can he be...somoething smart. something that will give him an edge in fighting the sex crazed ex-zombie people. And the government.

Im starting to realise that this is kinda like 28 weeks later as well...I was just watching Lemony Snikets...I just realised how much i liked that movie...fantasy is always awesome..Particular one that uses Black comedy like that one does...

Ok so im starting to lose sight here...What do I want to write..

"Brainiac is a black romantic comedy in the tradition of 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' , 'Garden State' and 'Little Miss Sunshine'. A somewhat repressed scientist, his free-spirited ex-wife and their son, each with their own desires, must work together (despite their initial animosity towards each other) to achieve their goals. In the course of their adventures, they change, bringing out the best in each other, that although they fall in love with each other again, they may not be right for each other...."

Somewhat happy with that. I dont know. I want that tenderness that permeates eternal Sunshine and Garden state. In Garden state its that bit when Large and Sam are sitting in the bathtub that his mother had died in, tlaking about how hard it was to leave each other.In eternal sunshine its that part when Clementine tells Joel about her little doll growing up. How she would tell it to be pretty.

I want the whole thing to happen in a fluid world. I want my Joel to be struggling take hold of his sense of reality.Maybe its withdrawals from the medication. Maybe its side effects. But by not taking the medication, he is gambling the safety of his family, as well as his sanity. I kinda want people to get a insight into what it feels like to be an addict. Addicted to anything. That it isnt really a matter of will-power. That is a number of things put together. That the drugs are really a way of getting a grip. Coping with a inner turmoil of undifferentiated emotions.

So the next thing you need in a treatment is a theme.

'Sinbad is about risk: the courage to risk the unknown, to risk change, to risk your heart. The theme can be expressed as:

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Tis, better to ahve loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Faint heart ne'er won fair lady. Carpe diem--'seize the day'.'

 Wow. I really like that quote. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Faint heart ne'er won fair lady. So whats brainiac about (im starting to dislike that name by the minute)?...I dont know..Is it about risk? risk to put faith in who you think you really are? And thats what Joel is doing. Fighting this sense of defectiveness. But not coming to terms to who he really is. But who is he really? Is he thebrain hungry zombie monster? Or is he the smart and successful father and husband that wants his family and life back? How much is not taking the drug a comestic thing to be in denial of his defectiveness. Avoidance. Perhaps. Perhaps the theme is about redemption.

Need to find a quote on redemption. Perhaps linked to substance use. I just realised what makes clementine so attractive is the fact that she might be borderline. Wow that is so profound. Borderlines want their memories erazed so much. they would probably be the first ones to use it. Be it with the most disasterous consequences. I wonder what personality types would be the first to act on the baser instincts. hmm...need quotes.

With redemption comes hope. Hope for forgiveness. Hope for a better life.

Its getting late and the internet has really really slowed down. Might have to save the quotes for another day. I guess the thing with Garden state and eternal suushine is that when all hope was lost, the human spirit finds its way out, to find hope, through love. But the real test is to make peace with the fleeting joys and life of these hopes. To make peace with the fact that, happiness, like sadness, is fleeting and will come and go. When you make peace with that, you make peace with the misery of loss, and and truly open to experiencing the joys of happiness.

And thats what I want for Joel. I want him to come to terms with that change. In the beginning he feels that he had lost everything and that by re-connecting with his fmaily he is going to gain everything he has lost. But what he really needs to do is to make peace with the process of change. That with something gained, there is something lost. And that hope springs eternally, just as tragedy and loss. But once he is come to terms that he may not be who he used to be, that he may not have the same family that he once dreamed of, he can be free to truly reconnect with his family, and espicially his son.

Hell is yourself and the only redemption is when a person puts himself aside to feel deeply for another person.

Tennese Williams. So I guess the theme of my story is one of redemption.

'Brainiac is about redemption:the courage to come to terms to what one has become, and find the strength to make amends. The theme can be expressed as:

Hell is yourself and the only redemption is when a person puts himself aside to feel deeply for another person'

Interesting..hmm..that carpe diem quote is so great. I need to look and hear it more often. It seems to courageous. Its like what i need to hear everyday.

Ok Ive written heaps and its time to sleep. Perhaps during the week I can read more on redemption. I still feel like my screenplay is not going to involve zombies. Perhaps the people who take the drug could be people with sexual problems. That then leads them to becoming zombies. Urban cannibals. That doesnt sound really interesting. Perhaps we can just leave it as being extremely heightened libido. Leaving them languishing in a world of tits and vaginas. Dicks and balls for the women. Meredith that is. Hmm..that sounds like it has comedic potential. Then there is something to link the charecters together. But then what happens to them when thhey are released? they become junkies again?or do i still go with the side-effect...making them zombies..then Joel wouldnt be one of them..he would just have a heightened sex drive...

Perhaps Joel's wifes sexual escapades maybe her way of dealing with Joel's loss.

Sleep time. Interesting Route. Looks like it might time me sometime to work through this treatment. Its good though. Makes me think about a more coherent story.

Night night.